i admit it. i'm insanely jealous. sorry people, i'm not someone with beautiful wings and a halo. but then again, i don't have horns and a pitchfork either.

would an image of a black winged angel help your perception of me?

i'm sorry. so so sorry. dreadfully so. i never meant to be jealous. i never meant to get into some sort of self pity mood which i swore to myself never to be involved in again. look where that got me at any rate.

i wonder if i'm tossing around that J word so frivolously.

i'm not even sure you'll call it jealousy.

i just want to cry and wail and bemoan my sad state of existance while at the same time ignoring the pointed looks of contempt from people who believe i have no right to do so.

heck! i know how bad contemptuous looks can make you feel because i, not shamefully, have tossed more than a handful of contemptuous looks at other people in my lifetime.

yes! and i'm proudly proclaiming the fact that i possess countless faults and am not ashame to admit it. after all, you could hardly blame me, considering that all of us are human and have erred miserably some time or other.

at times, i'm not even sure of myself and what i really want. not sure i want to be alone and not sure if i want to be surronded by friends. i just know that i would rather be in the company of really close friends at this point of time. perhaps my own company turns me off a bit at this point. see, told you i'm rather confused.

when i'm feeling like this, the whole world seems to be mocking me.
the situation used to be so different you know?

i weep not only because of the situation now
but also because of what the situation was

ah, the strange thing called life.